So, at this point it feels like the show house life really is over. Not only is this current house ending, but my lead on a future show house just evaporated. That makes two rounds of trying to get people and failing. It sucks. I don't understand how in a city like Portland I can't find people who wanna run this show house with me. Are people just afraid? Do people hate me? What's wrong?
I am surprised by how much devastation I feel. On the one hand, it's funny how upset I am over losing something that completely over-complicated my life. On the other hand, of course I'm fucking upset! Why shouldn’t I be? Throwing shows is awesome, and even outside of throwing the shows, it's just cool to have a place with actual art space. I got up to all kinds of crazy shit in this basement. I am gonna miss the freedom it provided me. It wasn’t even that expensive!
The biggest issue was always people. I guess that's why it hurts so much. I had the passion. I had the will. I had so much will that I was willing to exhaust myself to make this happen. And the entire time I was surrounded by people who didn't care as much as me. And despite that, I didn't even abandon them. I just tried to make it work with their needs. In the end, everyone decided that it wasn't good enough. I hope they are happier now.
I’m not sure if I will be. My entire adult life I've been living in a show house. Since 2018. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. Not that I “need” to throw shows per say, but I def like having the option. It's powerful. Also, the Chilltown basement is so sick! We have a subwoofer, a 12 channel mixer/recorder, a limiter on the main out so dumb vocalists can't clip it, and 3 webcam angles. Like we have a sick ass set up! And yet, nobody cared. Attendance was always lackluster.1 Roommates always hated it. Divas would always complain about how it’s “not loud enough” and all this dumb crap.2
It was so depressing cuz I knew it was special but no one else managed to enjoy it like I did. I don't know why that is. And it's not my fault we are losing it, either! We are being kicked out of the house! The stupid owner wants to sell it for some reason even tho there is no way she isn't making more off of renting it. No way. Why on earth would this stupid Gwenyth Paltrow3 looking bitch want to sell the house? In this economy? Ridiculous. I remember when we had an inspection where she came by and the house was super fucking clean. Tip top shape. And then she came down to the basement and saw the setup we have down there. She went “wow.” And then two weeks later we get the text saying she wants to sell it. Fucking slimeball.
That’s why I am so sad. I feel like the universe is yanking something away from me. I didn’t want it to be like this! I wanted to grow out of throwing shows. I wanted to grow out of being a punk. I didn’t want to have to give up on it cuz of capitalism. I wanted it to exist to spite capitalism. To tell this world and everyone who wants to bring me down to fuck right off and let me be. And then when I was ready, when I was done, when I was actually tired of living like this, that's when I would throw in the towel. When I actually didn’t want it anymore.
I’m so jealous of everyone who grew up being immersed in music communities. I grew up on a literal fucking farm. I always thought the scene was stupid. I didn’t know what I was missing. I am so envious of people who just sort of find themselves in these communities of artists and DJs and bands and are constantly surrounded by people who share that love and that passion. I’ve never been surrounded by those people. I’m aware of how silly that might sound, cuz you know, I am literally surrounded by those people right now, but that’s really how it feels sometimes. I’ve always felt like a nuisance. Like an outsider. There has always been deeper water I could be swimming in, and I’ve always been so unsatisfied with where I am treading, no matter how deep I already was compared to the people on land.
I’ve always felt like people wanted me to go away. To “not rock the boat.” When people say that to me I’m always like, what the fuck are you talking about? This boat fucking sucks! It's a literal burning ship, sinking faster than you can imagine. Your life is never going to be comfortable. It’s never going to be easy. So instead of spending all your time working towards being not afraid, work towards doing something you love. Even if it scares you. Even if it might not work out the way you wanted. Cuz let me tell you: giving up on your dreams will NOT feel any better.
RIP Human Flesh Body World RIP Corehouse RIP Freque Space RIP The Psychic Reader, and RIP CHILLTOWN U.S.A
You will live forever <3
This statement is literally false.
In fairness p much all of them would come around by the end! the sound at this place was sick as hell!!!
this is what she looked like lmao like with the blonde hair and EVERYTHING
I think people ARE afraid, but you have time now to find something that will work, and enough roommates, and make a Chilltown 2.0. Don't give up on your dreams! You had a kickass setup and made a lot of other's dreams come true, too, and you can do it again! You aren't starting from the bottom this time. ❤️